Ah, annual performance reviews. That magical time of year when the stars align, the calendar trembles, and every employee suddenly remembers that “self-evaluation” is due by Friday.

You know the one — that sacred document filled with vague questions like:

• “How do you feel you contributed to the organization’s goals this year?”
• “In what ways have you demonstrated leadership?”
• “List three accomplishments you are proud of.”

And you’re sitting there like, “Wait… do surviving Q2, fixing the printer, and not rage-quitting count?”

Let’s be honest. Nobody really knows where these questions come from — the HR Bermuda Triangle, perhaps? They seem to be passed down from the Oracle of Corporate Ambiguity, copy-pasted from a template written during the Reagan administration.

But the real fun? It’s in the manager roulette. 🎰

The “Wait… Who Are You Again?” Manager

You haven’t spoken to them since your onboarding Zoom call… in 2021. Now suddenly, they’re sitting across from you, squinting at your name like it’s a tricky Wordle puzzle.

“So, tell me about your goals this year.”
“Well, surviving the existential dread of remote silence was a big one.”

These reviews are always enlightening. Apparently, you’ve been doing great work! On what? Unclear. But definitely great.

The “Weekly Coaching” Manager

You’ve had weekly one-on-ones all year. You’ve been coached, guided, developed, and possibly even spiritually cleansed. But somehow, you walk into the review unsure if you’re getting promoted or getting escorted out with a sad little box.

“You’ve really grown.”
“In a ‘here’s a bonus’ way or a ‘please take this feedback’ way?”

Every meeting was a cliffhanger. Season finale pending.

The “We Talk Every Day, So This Doesn’t Matter” Manager

This one’s a real gem. You’ve built a relationship. You talk strategy, you troubleshoot, you’ve even shared memes. But when it comes to the review?

“Honestly, let’s just mark it complete. We know you’re doing great.”
Translation: I forgot this was due, so let’s give each other 3s and call it a day.

You leave feeling validated… sort of. Like a gold star in kindergarten. Shiny, but no bonus.

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So Why Do We Keep Doing These?

Because tradition. Because documentation. Because someone, somewhere, is aggregating all your 3s and 4s into a performance bell curve and calling it science.

But here’s the plot twist: maybe it doesn’t have to be this way. Maybe feedback could be ongoing, transparent, and — gasp — useful. Imagine a world where performance reviews weren’t a once-a-year mystery box, but a natural extension of real conversations.

Until then, buckle up. It’s performance review season — and you, my friend, are the main character.