When Coaching Up Exposes a Toxic Leader: Now What?

Written By Cari Borden

You followed the guide.
You used tact.
You timed it right.
You even led with empathy.

And still, your boss gaslit you, deflected, denied, or punished you for trying to do the right thing.
Welcome to the unfortunate truth: Some leaders don’t want to be coached. They want control.

🧠 What This Means

Let’s be clear:

You didn’t fail.
You weren’t “too sensitive.”
You didn’t overstep.

You discovered a truth, one most people never say out loud:
Not all bad behavior is coachable. Some of it is cultural. Some of it is intentional. And some of it? Flat-out toxic.

🔍 The Signs You’re Not Dealing With a Coachable Leader

You’re met with defensiveness, not dialogue
They twist your words into personal attacks
Feedback sessions turn into lectures
Your professionalism is questioned for simply speaking up
Others warn you: “That’s just how they are”

Sound familiar? You’re not imagining it. I know this as I’ve seen up close and personal.

🛠 So What Now? (Besides Panic-Apply on LinkedIn)

1. Document Everything
Keep a log. Dates, times, what was said, and who was present. Not to be petty, but to protect your peace and your record.

2. Seek Internal Allies
Find people who’ve seen what you’ve seen. Compare notes. Not to gossip, but to validate reality and maybe spark a collective voice.

3. Use Your Resources Strategically
HR? Maybe. A mentor? Definitely.
If you have an employee assistance program (EAP), now’s the time.

4. Reframe the Outcome
You didn’t lose. You revealed.
Not all feedback leads to growth, but it always reveals character.
And now you know exactly who you’re working for.

5. Plan With Purpose
Sometimes the smartest exit strategy is one you build in silence.
But other times? It’s creating boundaries while you stay and strategize your next step.

🧠 Inner Work: Protecting Your Sanity

Set micro-boundaries: limit exposure, manage expectations, protect your energy
Don’t internalize their behavior, projected power is not real power
Reflect on your own growth: you had the courage to lead upward, and that’s rare

🔗 Bonus Support

Want to figure out your best next step?
👉 Take the Leadership Style Quiz to understand how you operate—and how to recover and rise when your leadership efforts get dismissed.
👉 Need someone to talk it out with? Find me on Fiverr, because navigating toxicity with dignity is a skill no one teaches, but I’ve lived it.

💥 Final Thought:

If this series has shown you anything, let it be this:
You can be a phenomenal leader, even when you’re surrounded by bad ones.
You are not crazy. You are not alone. You are not powerless.
You are, in fact, exactly what the workplace needs more of.

👏 Like. Share. Speak up. Lead Boldly.